Kare ni Au Tabi ni
by Tangerine-Doll
Summary: “Each Time I See Him” A single look is taken. The rush of feelings overwhelms. Perplexity reigns. Realization comes. At first, resigned capitulation and then, acceptance follows. A beating heart sings. The answering beat echoes. A Hikaru one shot.


**Maegaki ~ Foreword**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Hitachiins, and the Host Club in general, the English language and the Japanese language.

**Pairings:** Hikaru and Kaoru

**Rating:** T

**Status:** Complete

**Genre/s:** Family, friendship, hurt/comfort, romance

**Summary:** "Each Time I See Him" A single look is taken. The rush of feelings overwhelms. Perplexity reigns. Realization comes. At first, resigned capitulation and then, acceptance follows. A beating heart sings. The answering beat echoes. A Hikaru one shot.

~ "_Kare ni Au Tabi ni_" is a one-shot comprised by a series of one-shots. I really tried my best for the mini-fics to have decent lengths; but I failed and I apologize in advance! Now you know what I was working on when I was procrastinating and being lazy and cowardly with "Kagami" and "Darkness before Dawn". Surprise, surprise! ~

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**KARE ni AU TABI ni**

**(Each Time I See Him)**

_**i. Shallow Ground**_

_Love_ – Hikaru never really thought much about it, before now. Now that he did, he concluded that love was simply being happy, having a sense of belongingness and accepting that person wholly as well. It was how he felt with Kaoru and he figured it was more than enough. It was certainly more than what most people could only hope to find in their entire lifetime.

_Love_ – he found it troublesome to dwell much on its numerous facets and implications in contrast to how some people like to. He just couldn't get it. He never really completely understood how other people are able to mull over such a simple matter endlessly. What was it with the romance and the tingly sensations, the lightheadedness and the sense of euphoria that everyone else was so crazy of having? He decided that he could do without the vicious cycle of falling in and out of love that he saw in movies and read about in school. He could certainly live without the constant anxiety in trying to please the other, the inevitable heartache, and then the endless tears, only to begin anew again.

But with Kaoru, _thankfully_, he felt no such things. He could be exactly who he was without fearing rejection. He could be at his worst or at his best and he wouldn't have to worry about whether it pleased his twin or not. He knew he was accepted and loved as he was, as Hikaru. And it was Kaoru who was always at his side, just as he would always be for his brother. Surely, there can be no love better than that?

Infatuation, on the other hand, was something he was entirely familiar with. While the Hitachiin twins surrounded themselves with an air of boredom, cleverly hidden under the ennui was a fascination for whatever it was that held their current interests. Sometimes, if the object was significantly alluring, the appeal stretched for weeks lasting up until a few months. Most of the time however, the attraction would persist only for a few days at a time and then the real boredom sets in, until they find something new to play with.

Fixations were something that came and went in Hikaru's daily life. And when the interest faded into a quick end, he could easily move on to the next one he could find. He had no sense of grief whatsoever at the loss. The obsessions, after all, merely stirred the most fickle of emotions in him. He had yet to meet the one thing – or person – to really touch him as only as… as only as Kaoru could.

He couldn't help but steal a quick glance at Kaoru. But his twin was looking at him right then and there. The edges of Hikaru's lips lifted a little, the grin growing considerably when he saw his twin's answering smile. He liked the fact that getting caught looking at Kaoru stirred no awkward feelings between them. Well, maybe on occasion a slight blush would appear, but it was alright because the other always understood. And he loved that their relationship transcended trivial, petty feelings such as self-consciousness and insecurities.

Kaoru's attention returned to the book he was reading while propped up against the pillows in the middle of their bed, leaving Hikaru alone with his uncharacteristically deep musings. Hikaru allowed his eyes to linger over the bent form of his brother before finally giving up on his attempt at deepness. He wondered randomly how Kaoru was able to keep on thinking in his mind all the time. He was already tired from tossing thoughts all over his head and he was on the verge of giving himself a migraine. He contented himself with watching his brother, noting the play of emotions on his face as Kaoru got absorbed in his book. Kaoru looked utterly adorable, he decided.

Seeming to feel eyes on him, Kaoru gazed up one more time, two pairs of amber eyes meeting, locking. "Did you want something, Hikaru?" Hikaru shook his head, "No, Kaoru, I was just thinking…" He trailed off, analyzing how to explain his current chain of thoughts.

Kaoru inclined his head to the side before flinging the book carelessly on the bed. With feline grace, he sauntered towards the window seat where Hikaru was sitting and occupied the opposite end. "What about?" He inquired.

Hikaru shrugged nonchalantly, gazing out the window, trying to organize his thoughts. Kaoru waited patiently and crossed his arms over the window sill. His chin found a comfortable spot and he looked up to the magnificent view of the sky as well. A pleasant quiet surrounded them and it was quite a while before Hikaru spoke, breaking the silence. "I'm just very grateful and happy to have you as my brother." Kaoru smiled at that and looked at him sideways before tossing a flippant "Mmm." Hikaru wasn't in the least bit offended because Kaoru had uncrossed his arms. His hand reached out to loosely entwine their fingers. The action clearly belied the shallowness of his reaction.

_**ii. Better Half***_

Hikaru had been staring down at the book in front of him for a long while before he realized his mouth was agape with a mixture of awe and disbelief. He closed his mouth and nibbled at the corner of his lower lip while he rotated the book clockwise, counter-clockwise. He still tried to make sense out of the bizarre illustration of a man – or rather, two men, connected to each other disjointedly.

His eyes skimmed down the page, looking for some sort of explanation. He couldn't comprehend how a 'being' with four arms and four legs moved about. Wouldn't that have been extremely difficult? He pondered on this, trying very hard to visualize the eight-limbed creature, and arrived on a viable hypothesis. They must be completely synchronized with each other in order to function well. He wondered briefly if the two parts that comprised the whole had individual thoughts and feelings and were still able to complement each other despite their differences. He liked to think that they could. They did.

He glanced down at the sleeping form of his twin, Kaoru's head on his lap supported by a pillow. A hand reached out to gently smooth away the hair partially covering his brother's face. His fingers settled against the smooth cheek, feeling Kaoru's warm breath tickle his palm. Hikaru's chest clenched a little and he was surprised at this. He tried to calm down his speeding heart by taking deep breaths, all the while looking at Kaoru. Somehow, he couldn't seem to calm himself down. He was confused by this.

Kaoru opened his eyes then and smiled sleepily up at him before snuggling into Hikaru's stomach. Maybe he sensed something was off, especially in the stiffness of Hikaru's pose because he sat up and yawned while rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

Hikaru's heartbeat sped up more then, upon seeing Kaoru in a vulnerable moment. He couldn't understand why that happened since this scene was commonplace between them. Nothing was really out of the ordinary. Except…

Kaoru noticed the open book beside Hikaru. He leaned forward on their bed and took it in his hands, smiling at the familiar image before them. "Ne, Hikaru!" He whispered excitedly. "Do you know the story about this one?" he asked, pointing to the image that held Hikaru's fascination earlier.

Hikaru shook his head no as he looked back onto the page. Kaoru settled himself into a comfortable position beside Hikaru and continued. "A Greek philosopher said that this was how humans were before, long, long ago." Kaoru laughed at the incredulous look Hikaru tossed in his direction. "It's just mythology, you know. Just listen to this, okay?"

Hikaru smiled upon hearing Kaoru's laugh, finally calming down at last. He settled his head against Kaoru's shoulder and he felt his brother's arm wind around his shoulder, the book on Kaoru's thighs, his legs bent on the bed. Hikaru wanted to close his eyes and drink in how this moment felt but Kaoru seemed to really want to tell him this story so he decided to listen. It was just as well that he was still slightly curious about it.

"So these ancient humans", Kaoru began, "They were wise and strong and basically were complete. They had two sets of everything, you see." Hikaru nodded against his twin's shoulder, while stealing a deep breath of Kaoru's scent, understanding the advantage of having two sets of eyes, two brains, two hearts… two of everything. "Zeus, well you know who he is, greatly feared how the humans were very powerful." Kaoru paused teasingly, knowing full well that he had Hikaru's entire attention now. "He wanted the humans to pay more attention to the gods because they had no reason to do so when they were already as 'fulfilled' they were." Hikaru's eyes were riveted on the book. He knew that he was guilty of this too, remembering only the presence of a divine being whenever he felt troubled.

"What happened? What did he do, Kaoru?" he asked, unable to stop himself. Kaoru looked down at him. "He separated them." His twin whispered. It was a weird feeling but Hikaru felt sad about this. He was sorry for the divided individuals, separated from each other. It must feel like a part of you is missing, like you had to search constantly for the other one but had no idea who to look for or where to search.

"Did it work, then? Zeus's plan – did it succeed?" Kaoru shook his head at Hikaru's question, a wry smile forming on his lips. "Then, it was all for nothing?" Hikaru demanded. _It was pointless, all along, to be estranged from the person who completed you? _He frowned.

But Kaoru laughed. "It was how love was 'invented', you know. At least, that's what the philosopher said" Hikaru sat up straight in bed although Kaoru still kept his arm on Hikaru's shoulder. "Love?" He whispered. Kaoru tapped his index finger against the illustration. The separated humans, they looked like we do now, but they felt…" Kaoru paused, fumbling for the appropriate term. "Incomplete?" Hikaru ventured. Kaoru smiled at him, liking how Hikaru was catching up on why he loved this story very much.

"Exactly. They felt incomplete. So they had to search for the other one that made them whole." Hikaru watched as Kaoru drew an imaginary line down the center of the ancient man, dividing it into two equal parts. "And that is love? Love is feeling absolute completeness with another?" Hikaru remembered how he earlier thought love was. As he looked at the smiling face of his twin, he decided this was a much better and comprehensive definition of it.

"But what if they got it wrong? What if they – we – fell for the wrong one?" He didn't like that idea either. Kaoru shrugged. "Then it meant they settled for someone less, someone who was not meant to be their other half." Hikaru wanted to pursue it further, to complain that there were so many people in the world, to begin with. How would anyone be able to find the right one? But as he began to voice this out, another thought entered his brain. And finally, he could understand why Kaoru was smiling at him, waiting for him to arrive at the same realization. Hikaru leaned his forehead against Kaoru's. "We're lucky, then?"

"Extremely." Kaoru agreed. "We got it right the first time." Hikaru closed his eyes, feeling Kaoru's breath fan gently over his face. So, this was love for his twin brother, his other half – the one that complemented him, the one that completed him. And then, Hikaru couldn't say anything more because he was feeling overwhelmed. He pushed away and looked once more at Kaoru, trying to convey his emotions through his eyes. And he knew Kaoru understood, because he felt the same. This was, after all, what it meant to be two parts of a whole.

_**iii. Reaching for that Smile**_

From the bed, Hikaru looked up from his PSP and saw a frown mar his twin's forehead and a pout adorn his strawberry lips. A sigh escaped Kaoru's lips and he dejectedly settled his chin atop his math notebook and blew a sigh, pushing his bangs momentarily form his face. Hikaru couldn't help but think how cute Kaoru was being lately. Hikaru blushed a little. Since when had he started to consider Kaoru as _cute_? He was nonplussed and bothered at his thoughts and was getting more so because lately, these incidents were becoming more and more frequent.

But his twin's huddled form worried him. Kaoru asked his help unless only as a last resort and Hikaru thought it was a little stupid, actually. But Kaoru was adamant and refused to give in, preferring to give himself a little cranial hemorrhage instead of asking for assistance. Hikaru contemplated briefly why he was considered the prideful one. Kaoru also had his own share of egotism. They are, in the end, twins for a reason.

To make matters worse, the weather was awfully hot and humid with the air conditioning presently under repair. Hikaru could see beads of perspiration run after each other down the sides of Kaoru's face to his neck only to disappear under the thin white shirt he was wearing, making the material cling to his skin. Hikaru wondered why this made him feel more hot, more suffocated than before. He was feeling uneasy and he wasn't sure why but he told himself it was because he didn't like seeing Kaoru unhappy. Hikaru stood up from the bed.

Kaoru shot him a cursory look that asked, 'Where are you going?' Hikaru looked over his shoulder and grinned. "Just wait for me to come back, ne, Kaoru?" Kaoru shrugged and looked dejectedly back to his homework.

Hikaru did not even have an inkling of how to make that smile return to Kaoru's lips and how he was to go about making it happen. All that he was sure of was that he desperately needed to see Kaoru smile because Kaoru's happiness, in all honesty, means the world to him.

He marched into the kitchen, and scanned the room contemplatively, taking into consideration a couple of maids casting him a look of unconcealed surprise that clearly asked, _What is one of them doing here?_

To make matters worse, for the maids that is, Hikaru cast them a big wry grin, confirming their suspicions that whatever he was up to, they were better off not knowing. And because the maids knew better, they left Hikaru to have free reign over the kitchen. As soon as they were out of hearing range, Hikaru laughed loudly at their expressions. He could almost imagine the horror they were expecting when they come back. He wished Kaoru was here to share the hilarity with. The thought sobered him up, though.

He sauntered towards the fridge and opened its big double doors, trying to take into consideration the array of all the things he could use. Some were useless, such as the big jar of mayonnaise and that block of cheese. He bent over, savoring the cool air, wondering arbitrarily what his parents would do if he used a couple of refrigerators as air coolers in their room. He brushed the thought away because doing that would render his plan useless. But he mentally stored that idea in his mind for something to pull off when he got another chance to do so.

He took out two tubs of ice cream, one vanilla and the other, chocolate flavored. He decided it was all he could get from the fridge that was useful. He deposited the ice cream onto the kitchen island and next peered into the cupboards and pantry, unsure where the rest of his ingredients could be found.

After much rummaging, Hikaru stared at the goods in front of him. He initially took a medium sized goblet but decided it wasn't enough and took out, instead a large deep bowl, with the height of half his forearm and the circumference of a medium sized plate.

First, he put a layer of ice cream at the bottom and garnished it by using a cheese grater to shred part of a chocolate bar. He placed a thin layer of crushed wafers, and repeated the alternating layers of random sweets, wishing his concoction wasn't as disgusting as he was beginning to think it to be. On the top, he placed a couple of cherries and some pocky sticks.

He grabbed what remained of the chocolate bar and looked somewhat annoyed that he couldn't find any chocolate syrup. He decided to make some himself and walked over to the electric stove and turned it on. He grabbed a pan and placed the leftover chocolate in it. He stirred through the melting sweetness and when it was done, he felt quite proud of his accomplishment. He blew through it, cooling it slightly.

Gingerly holding the handle with a potholder, he started to pour the syrup on top of his handiwork. Suddenly, a soft voice whispered dangerously near his ear. "Hikaru, what is _that_?"

Hikaru gave a loud yelp of surprise. In slow motion, he watched the chain reaction unfold before him as the pan he was holding was thrown up in midair as he shouted, spilling the still hot chocolate on his hand. The hot stickiness made him jerk his arm in pain, toppling his creation onto the cold kitchen floor. Hs eyes widened as he took in the picture of his hard work in ruins. He squinted as he felt an unfamiliar stinging near his eyes.

Kaoru's loud gasp made him finally aware of the slight stinging at the back of his palm. But the maids have rushed into the room, frantic and scrambling to fix up the mess. Dazedly, Hikaru allowed Kaoru to lead him back to their room, away from the commotion and the shattered sweetness of his efforts for Kaoru.

Lying on the bed, Hikaru looked at the makeshift bandage on his hand that Kaoru dressed his burn injury with. It was nothing serious, just some slight reddening and pain when touched. It was sometime before he realized he wasn't feeling hot anymore. So, the AC was finally working again. He felt more down because all his efforts were now really in vain.

Kaoru was once again bent over his homework. Hikaru moved to stand beside him and saw that Kaoru was nearly done as he peered over his twin's shoulder. He scanned through the equations and noted that all the answers were perfectly correct. So Kaoru didn't need him in this area too. This didn't help improve his mood.

"Hey, Hikaru?" Kaoru moved to face him now. "Is it really so important to help me in my math?" Hikaru leaned his hip against the desk and looked down into his twin's upturned face. "Well… yes…" What else could he answer?

"Why?" Kaoru demanded. "I love you, you know." Hikaru blurted. "Since you're my twin and everything…" He could feel a blush creep up his ears, wondering where the hell _that_ came from. Amidst the semi-awkward silence that followed, he was thankful still he was able to follow it up suitably.

"I love you too, the same way." Kaoru finally smiled up at him. It was something Hikaru had been waiting for the whole afternoon. So after gaining it, why did he feel his heart clench now, feeling that something was insistently off with this scene? And why did he have this nagging suspicion that he wanted something to be vaguely different in their previous exchange?

"I'm glad…" It was all he could utter in reply. And then, Kaoru smiled once more, making everything slightly better and inexplicably more confusing.

_**iv. Spiraling Down and Escape**_

Kaoru. Quite recently, it was all he could think of. Kaoru pervaded his thought, his imaginings. And even in sleep he couldn't elude his twin because even his dreams contained only Kaoru. Only Kaoru, always Kaoru.

He was sure his brother was beginning to suspect something was wrong with him for some time now. Hikaru considered himself amazingly lucky that he wasn't confronted about his weird actions yet. Because if their positions were reversed, he was very sure he would have demanded answers long before and wouldn't have lasted this far as his twin had.

Maybe, weird would be describing him mildly. His erratic moods were tiring even to him. Hikaru deeply admired how Kaoru was still able to put up with him. He was touchy-feely for a slight moment and then cold and irritable the next, snapping at every little thing said or done in his presence. Kaoru was usually on the receiving end of his sarcastic remarks during one of his sour moods. He felt very guilty the moment the harsh words escaped his lips and he would try to make it up to the younger twin. It was a repetitious and exhausting cycle. And right now, he was desperate to figure out what was wrong so that everything could finally return to how things were before.

But Hikaru knew he couldn't lie to himself any longer. He had been avoiding it for too long. And he was already pushing his luck for acting terrible around his twin up until now. He had to face it now, before he did anything he would surely regret later.

He turned his face upward to face the mirror. He gazed longingly at the image before him. If he didn't think too much of it, he could convince himself somewhat, for a few seconds or so, that it was Kaoru's eyes he was staring at. He could even fool himself that the slightly parted lips his index finger traced were his brother's.

But the cold reality of the unfeeling glass refused to concur with his self-inflicted delusions. It shouted back to him that he was merely staring at the flipped image of himself, nothing more. And before the last vestiges of the illusion left his eyes, Hikaru whispered to Kaoru's image before him.

"I love you."

The enormity of his confession weighed heavily upon him and he leaned his forehead upon the cool unyielding glass, willing it to accept his dejected admission - in vain. After long seconds, he lifted his head to glance once more at the reflection of his twin but his own broken image stared back at him.

Was there even a way out of this? He fervently wished there was. But the mocking mirror - its infinite depths baring his soul out into the open - told him truthfully there was none.

_**v. Silent Crossing**_

Hikaru glanced down irritably at the envelope on his brother's desk. He slouched petulantly and leaned a hip against the wood, his amber eyes attempting to bore a hole into the offending parchment. "Another one, Kaoru?" he asked of his twin.

Kaoru gave him a sheepish glance but raised his eyebrow after a few seconds. "I think you receive more confessions than I do, Hikaru…"

But for Hikaru, that wasn't the issue here at all. He didn't care about the nameless and faceless girls who sent him the love letters. What he cared about were the nameless and faceless girls who sent Kaoru love letters. It mattered at great deal. And he didn't know how to be able to explain that without exposing himself in some way.

"Come to think of it," Kaoru began again, "while this is my fifth letter this week, I think you got your seventh yesterday. Should I be jealous, Hikaru?" Kaoru laughed at the elder's shocked expression. "Just kidding." Kaoru whispered lowly as he walked past by Hikaru, the love confession already shredded to confetti atop his desk.

_**vi. A Unique Reasoning**_

It wasn't so out of character if he did it. He didn't even know why he was hesitating to in the first place. But what he did know was that he might not be able to stop himself if he reached out and took Kaoru in his arms now. Not while they were in the privacy of their room, away from the prying eyes of the world. Maybe, if they were at school, he could allow himself the luxury of doing so. But not here, where there were no restraints, no boundaries, and definitely no rules.

Hell decided to torture him when Kaoru's sinewy arms wound around him. Maybe he was asleep? Hikaru conjectured. But when he felt him name whispered against his back, he knew without a doubt Kaoru was as awake as he was.

He turned to face his twin now, two pairs of molten gold eyes gazing into each other. "Go back to sleep." Hikaru urged. But Kaoru shook his head. "Not until you do." They were both stubborn in their decision and refused to yield to the other.

Hikaru sighed and smiled a little. "Just this once, Kaoru… I want to watch you sleep for a while…" He was a little amused at how the younger Hitachiin eyes were already half-lidded with sleep. "But why?" Kaoru persisted. But he was already losing the battle with his eyes. Hikaru was unable to quench the sudden impulse to kiss his twin then, and settled for Kaoru's forehead, making him settle comfortably into Hikaru's arms.

After a few quiet moments, sure that Kaoru was deep in slumber, Hikaru finally answered his brother's query. "Because, every time I see you, look at you… watch you… I just grow to love you more and more…"

Hikaru let his voice fade away, because there was nothing left to say after that. But he felt a rumbling near his chest, the vibrations from Kaoru's voice traveling up his own chest to touch him deeply. "You must know, I do too."

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**Tsuishin ~ Postscript**

(*I ripped this idea from my other fanfiction "Lucky")

*FAIL*

This is what you get when the author writes with a fever going on forty degrees Centigrade.  
For Choco-kun, because I've been awfully quiet the past few weeks.  
(TT 3 TT)


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